I just realised I felt happy it’s the first time in a long time I’ve felt it. I’ve taken joy in things but haven’t felt happy just a moment of pleasure. I hope it takes and it’s not something I’m going to overthink.
I have had a new game for a while, spot without being spotted. I’m one for one so far (spot/spotted), obviously the question of if I spot some one to say something is/will be a delicate decision with a lot different parameters age probably being amongst the most important of them.
My parents are away travelling but they’re making sure I’m looked after. We had dinner last night with old family friends a lovely night out. Emotionally it annoys me, rationally I appreciate it … and they now read this blog. I’ve given the details of the blog out to a few people I know so they can get an understanding of my condition, it was never my intention to have my real life and online mix but it was necessary. I still rather it wasn’t but if wishes were horses beggars would ride.
I saw the neurologist today and the good news is that he’s happy with lack of progression, not often that is good news from your Doctor. So the next appointment is in a year unless there’s a reason to bring it forward. The medication is unchanged.
I’m feeling better, not physically I’m still tired but mentally I’m better not dancing or seeing rainbows but I’m not as depressed. I think like many complicated things there are a number of factors. Having a professional to talk with, the drugs, being able to work, seeing a future and I think beginning to accept things. I’m a realist and I thought that was enough, I deal with things as they are not as I want them to be, not as they should be, not as they could be, not as I deserve, not as I’ve earned but as they are. Still as rational as I am emotionally you can’t control your reaction and I think I didn’t accept it truly until recently. Adjustment takes time, I needed time even if I didn’t know that.
I just had a lovely long chat to J. She’s making some changes to her life, moving to Queensland in particular, so where ever she ends up I’ll let her know of the Burgers in the area, she’s good people and so are the Burgers it’s a good fit. I’m going to miss having her around even if I don’t get to see her that often.
If I wasn’t so damaged I’d love to be a bigger part of her life but it wouldn’t work, I’d rather have the guarantee of the friendship it’s worth more to me. We’ve been friends for an awfully long time, and I appreciate all she’s done for me down the years, friends like that don’t come along often and are treasured.
I don’t know how it happened but at some point I inherited my little sisters friends, they are family my family. Misogynistic yes but it’s my right because one they will accept me standing up for them and two they will let me. They are my little sisters I will protect them always, I love you dears.