Well I had my first visit with the Psychiatrist today just went over the basics more to cover next visit. Though nothing has really been done I do feel better for the talk, and she has reassured me that future is some time away and I should concentrate on the now and not where I’ll end up. I’m still frustrated at my losses and the fact that the road ahead is only downhill. As she noted I’m still smarter than the average bear, but it hurts to look back at what I was.
Went out for dinner with the parents, big sister and family friends a good night out. One of the most likely outcomes of my conditions is dementia this came up as a family friend has recently been put in care. Should that be a case of a hunting trip is needed, as most people who know me will say I’m a gentle soul. I try to help and do the right thing but I was an angry and violent child until I controlled it what concerns me is what happens if there is no control over impulse.
When I was in Fiji I invited Gently to grab my wrist it was a high grab and the bugger is strong, didn’t break it. He tried it on site a low grab, as we play like this a lot, instant grip break weight dropped and back wrist twisted out. But what left me cold was the instant realisation that if that hand had had a knife it would have opened up the inside of his wrist … I haven’t trained for that. Then add in my strength I don’t wont to be a danger but I fear without higher mental function, I won’t be there to stop causing damage. I have an appointment with a psychologist and this is something on the list of things to discuss. It’s a long way off but it ways heavily on me, that what may be left is a danger I don’t want around people.
Well we had another family dinner, I’ve convinced Mother Dearest to try brining pork works a treat. Finished off the crackling for her, yum. The Doctor’s visit was on Monday and went as expected, Diabetes going well, blood pressure good, cholesterol good, liver starting to show signs of damage so no alcohol until the liver repairs its self.
Thankfully I only like to drink but I don’t have to, which a lot of the medical profession have trouble believing that. Sure I’d like a beer after work or with a pub meal but I don’t have to.
Sleep is intermittent still, even with diazepam and restavit, so trying good old fashioned warm milk before bed. Still no sleeping meds from the doctor but the low sleep amount is starting to tell.
I think because of my condition and that they are going away for a long trip the parents have started weekly family dinners which is good, though I spent a few hours napping again. It is something I enjoy being with family even when dozing and listening in and loving the interactions I hear. They’re family and blood I love them dearly.
My memory ain’t what it was. It was really good now it’s failing in small ways that I only notice after the omission. It scares the hell out of me, without memory the me I am is lost.
I had two mates call over tonight we had beer and Pizza, well two of us had beer the third is diabetic as well and is on AFD. He’s a tad further along than me. It was a great night, good company, good friends. But the support of my friends, family on line and and off is wonderful and greatly appreciated it helps emotionally to have that support there. But what lies ahead scares the bejesues out of me. One friend told me that the tale is getting out, I trust my friends they’ll act well that’s what friends do, it’s that damn male refusal of admitting of weakness that stops me from doing it myself. So I thank my friends for doing what I find hard.
I’ve lost weight I’m down to 93kg the lowest I’ve been in years. Its been observed as well, I topped out at 108kg and generally averaged about 106kg when I was diagnosed with diabetes I got down to 94kg with alot of effort. Currently I have no appetite hence the pub meals if I buy them I eat even then I don’t always finish them. Wednesday night I went to my Sisters for dinner and I slept on the couch I didn’t eat until the next night but I wasn’t hungry even then.
Today was a no go I slept till 10 after being up early, had lunch at the Crown came home slept again was up for a bit slept again and now I’m up for a bit. We’ll see how it goes.