I’m feeling better, not physically I’m still tired but mentally I’m better not dancing or seeing rainbows but I’m not as depressed. I think like many complicated things there are a number of factors. Having a professional to talk with, the drugs, being able to work, seeing a future and I think beginning to accept things. I’m a realist and I thought that was enough, I deal with things as they are not as I want them to be, not as they should be, not as they could be, not as I deserve, not as I’ve earned but as they are. Still as rational as I am emotionally you can’t control your reaction and I think I didn’t accept it truly until recently. Adjustment takes time, I needed time even if I didn’t know that.
Archive Page 2
I just had a lovely long chat to J. She’s making some changes to her life, moving to Queensland in particular, so where ever she ends up I’ll let her know of the Burgers in the area, she’s good people and so are the Burgers it’s a good fit. I’m going to miss having her around even if I don’t get to see her that often.
If I wasn’t so damaged I’d love to be a bigger part of her life but it wouldn’t work, I’d rather have the guarantee of the friendship it’s worth more to me. We’ve been friends for an awfully long time, and I appreciate all she’s done for me down the years, friends like that don’t come along often and are treasured.
I don’t know how it happened but at some point I inherited my little sisters friends, they are family my family. Misogynistic yes but it’s my right because one they will accept me standing up for them and two they will let me. They are my little sisters I will protect them always, I love you dears.
After my diagnose and admitting it to friends and family only the males closest to me, have discussed it I brought it up offhand with the nephew on the trip home and it was ignored. Ladies best remember we men are stupid about emotions and are loath to discuss them. I’m sorry that’s how we’re wired, unfortunately for all.
My nieces were at ponyclub with the BIL and my sister had to take the new pup to puppy school, so my youngest nephew needed adult (allegedly) supervision. We had a great time, redoing the jigsaw four or five times making picture puzzles and memory games. My Sunday is normally my time at home, I was glad to give some of it up to be with him. It also helps in that it is a show of faith in mental state.
Well I had my first visit with the Psychiatrist today just went over the basics more to cover next visit. Though nothing has really been done I do feel better for the talk, and she has reassured me that future is some time away and I should concentrate on the now and not where I’ll end up. I’m still frustrated at my losses and the fact that the road ahead is only downhill. As she noted I’m still smarter than the average bear, but it hurts to look back at what I was.
Went out for dinner with the parents, big sister and family friends a good night out. One of the most likely outcomes of my conditions is dementia this came up as a family friend has recently been put in care. Should that be a case of a hunting trip is needed, as most people who know me will say I’m a gentle soul. I try to help and do the right thing but I was an angry and violent child until I controlled it what concerns me is what happens if there is no control over impulse.
When I was in Fiji I invited Gently to grab my wrist it was a high grab and the bugger is strong, didn’t break it. He tried it on site a low grab, as we play like this a lot, instant grip break weight dropped and back wrist twisted out. But what left me cold was the instant realisation that if that hand had had a knife it would have opened up the inside of his wrist … I haven’t trained for that. Then add in my strength I don’t wont to be a danger but I fear without higher mental function, I won’t be there to stop causing damage. I have an appointment with a psychologist and this is something on the list of things to discuss. It’s a long way off but it ways heavily on me, that what may be left is a danger I don’t want around people.